Auction
by Nan Ma
Summary: An AU holiday interlude. Your fav DW chars auction off an activity for charity. Watch as Ma Chao tries to one-up "the gay guys," Cao Pi gets more than he bargained for, Lu Xun accidentally outs himself, AND MORE
1. Gan Ning and Ling Tong

"Ning. you're free on the 24th right?"

"Yeah. Why?"

Ling Tong told him.

Gan Ning spat out a mouthful of tea. "_What?_ You're auctioning me off?" he demanded accusingly.

Ling Tong shook his head. "No, I'm auctioning off _your_ making pancakes. In a skimpy, tight tank top."

"Ling Tong, what is going on?"

The singer put down his non-fat fair-trade organic soy latte. "Oh, sorry, I forgot to tell you, man. It's for charity. A bunch of the others are auctioning off an activity with them to raise money. Like Cao Pi is offering tickets to go see _Madama Butterfly_ with him. Ma Chao's taking whoever out horseback riding in some national park, private lessons included. The Qiao sisters are teaming up and taking someone out to a spa treatment at _Bamboo Springs_, Zhao Yun is going to go volunteer at a shelter for abused children with his victim, and Lu Xun… I don't know what he's doing but it's probably something stupid. And there's no way we're getting beat by them."

"Oh. So… What charity?"

"I dunno. It's just charity, kay? Who cares what it's for as long as it's charity?" Ling Tong explained impatiently.

"What? Technically the Neo Nazis are a nonprofit group you know! We could be donating to the Neo Nazis and you wouldn't know?"

"Come on, it can't be the Neo Nazis! They're too controversial. Besides, I already signed you up."

"What are you doing?" Gan Ning asked curiously.

"Eating your pancakes."

"Hah, hah. Really, what are you doing?"

Ling Tong rolled his eyes. "What, you expect me to do work?"

"For the Neo Nazis, yeah."

"Ning, it's not the Neo Nazis kay? And just so you know I'm taking someone to that one karaoke piano bar."

Gan Ning nodded. "Okay."

"I was going to offer a lapdance but Lu Meng put his foot on that so yeah."

"…Okay."


	2. Zhuge Liang, Ma Chao, and Zhao Yun

"Zhuge! Mr. Zhuge!" Ma Chao yelled.

"What? I'm working-"

"The two gay guys just joined in the charity auction!" Ma Chao shoved the door to Zhuge Liang's study and barged in, his head still wet from hair bleach.

"Sun Ce and Zhou Yu?" Zhuge Liang asked quizzically. "I know. They were one of the first to sign up-"

"No, no, the other gay guys. The ones who were officially out a long time ago-"

Zhuge Liang slammed down his papers. "I don't _care_ what Cao Cao and Xiahou Dun are doing! It doesn't affect-"

"No, no, not them!"

"You cannot be talking about our boss Liu Bei! I am _sure_ to keep him so far in the closet-"

"No! The other gay guys! The super-gay one and-"

"Ma Chao, for the last time, Zhang He is _not_ gay! Do not call him that; it is just politically incorrect-"

"No, I mean Gan Ning and Ling Tong."

Zhuge Liang was silent. "…You could have just said."

"Sorry. Anyways, what are we going to do about it? I won't be beat by a bunch of-"

"Don't say it, Ma Chao! That is unjust to call someone a-" The door slammed open, _again_, albeitly more self-righteously (as far as a door could be self-righteous) and less dramatically.

"Both of you be quiet!" Zhuge Liang snapped.

"Well, I do not understand what is bad! This is excellent, more famous people helping charity!" Zhao Yun declared happily. "The more the better for the people of this world!"

"But I don't want to be outdone by _them!_" Ma Chao exclaimed.

"Besides, why are you so worried? It's not like they have a super-rich fanbase no one else has-"

"…Yun, have you _ever_ heard of the pink dollar?" Ma Chao exclaimed.

"Is that like a three dollar bill?"

"No, it is a reference to the buying power of a certain group of a group of the population with high disposable incomes and the willingness to spend it," Zhuge Liang replied.

"Oh. What group?"

"Gay people."

Zhao Yun snorted. "Well, I have the buying power of a certain group of blahblah with high disposable incomes and the willingness to spend it too!" Zhao Yun declared. "_Old people!_"

Ma Chao stared. "He's got a point."

Zhuge Liang thought for a moment. "It is only a charity auction- I mean, just as long as we participate and stay in the know, we should be okay. Don't worry about who gets the most."

"But-" Ma Chao whined.

"Ma Chao, you're going to leave in your bleach too long. Go wash it out."


	3. Cao Pi, Zhen Ji, and Guo Nuwang

"Zhao Yun alone is a problem. That guy's fangirls makes Twi-tards look like calm, collected Catholic matrons and I've already heard a rumor about some lady mortgaging her house to bid!" Cao Pi hit the spacebar on his MacBook Pro out of sheer frustration.

"Pretty face but not much else to back it up. That man is like an electron cloud- technically big and important but 99.999999999% empty space. Or… Perhaps more like a jellyfish. Mostly water…" Guo Nuwang mumbled.

"Oh? Then what animal am I?" Cao Pi asked, looking at her coyly.

Guo Nuwang scratched at a stray patch of acne on her forehead. "An axolotl."

Cao Pi stared blankly.

"You're forever in a neotonic state," she snapped. "Now can you guys shut-"

"Don't tell us to be quiet! You have a laptop- move somewhere else!" Zhen Ji snapped.

"I was here first. This room has the best lighting-"

"Well turn on a lamp or something-"

"Squinting makes my eyes hurt-"

"Oh, so you're implying you're not squinting right this very instant?"

"Stop arguing!" Cao Pi yelled. "I've got a _problem_ in case you can't tell… I'm behind Zhao Yun on the bidding! I'm behind Zhao Yun _and_ Ma Chao! This is- This is ridiculous!"

"Well, perhaps you should have picked something more… Interesting to the general public," Zhen Ji commented coolly. "You know that it takes a rare and high-class taste, such as ours, to appreciate the high arts… Peons these days, they would not know art if it was prancing in front of them…"

Cao Pi ignored her and continued to pick at his keyboard keys.

"Do whatever. I don't care," Guo Nuwang said, tapping at her ORIGIN EON. "Can you guys keep it down? I'm trying to read the research releases… And Cao Pi, what are you doing anyways?"

"I'm offering a lucky lady a change to go see Metropolitan Opera's revival of _Madama Butterfly,_" Cao Pi said smugly. "Is it not a brillian-"

"Oh, the imperialist, racist, Orientalist opera. Have fun."

Cao Pi gasped in exasperation. "Nuwang, can't you see _beyond_ the modern-day view and appreciate it for its art and music?"

"Whatever. I was the soloist for my youth symphony's overview of it, in fact. It was fun to play."

"Of course, you little band geek…" Zhen Ji muttered.

"The Starcraft expansion's coming out in four months!" Guo Nuwang shouted as she opened a newsletter email.

"…Point proven."

"What can I do, what can I do…" Cao Pi groaned.

"Well, you could… I don't know… Change it to-" Zhen Ji began, but the other woman interrupted.

"Remarket yourself," Guo Nuwang snapped, not even looking up from her computer screen. She was leaning so close to the screen her nose was rubbing oily smudges all over it.

Cao Pi looked up. "What?" he asked.

"Oh, change it to-"

"Not you, Luo. Nuwang, what?" Cao Pi asked curiously.

"Hold on. I Just got an update- _yes_ I knew it! I told them! Hah!" she snarled triumphantly.

"What?" Cao Pi shouted.

"Dendritic spines degeneration _is_ a side effect, not a cause, of-"

"What do you mean by remarket?" Cao Pi repeated.

"All you're saying right now is an opera date with you. Rewrite that damn description. Zhen Luo said that it takes a high-class rare whatever taste- and everyone likes to imagine that they have it. Use that to your advantage."

"What?"

"I mean, just make them think they're bidding on a chance to become a high-class, tasteful, whatever-whatever high-class rare blahblahblah lady!" Guo Nuwang snapped, pushing up her thick glasses.

Cao Pi stared. "Nuwang. You are brilliant."

"Well, anyone could have…" Zhen Ji muttered.

"I'll do that right now! I love you, Guo!" Cao Pi hollered in triumph.

_Snap._ A ruler broke in Zhen Ji's tightening grip. "…Yes, good idea…." Zhen Ji muttered. "Thanks."


	4. Xiao Qiao and Da Qiao

"Hey, hey, Jiejie, you're free on these days right?"

Da Qiao continued staring at her foundation without putting it on. "I am free all the time now. But I just don't feel like getting out…"

"Well okay! Just keep these days free," Xiao Qiao squeaked.

"Sure. Why? I told you, I really don't feel like doing anything…"

"Jiejie you need to exfoliate so bad!" the little sisters exclaimed, taking Da Qiao's face in her hands. "Come on, let's go to-"

"Meimei, I don't feel like it!" she sighed, turning around and fiddling around with a makeup brush.

"That's what you've been saying for the last weeks. Are you depressed? Do you want me to go call the suicide hotline?" Xiao Qiao pouted, putting her hands on her hips.

"Xiao Qiao, you should know well why!" Da Qiao snapped back.

"Oh, just because of Sun Ce?"

Da Qiao cringed.

"Well so what. You've had breakups before, and none of them lasted this long! There's no reason-"

"He used me, okay? It's not just that we had differences and had to separate. But… I loved him and look what he was just doing. I thought that I really had a future, we, I mean. I thought I could finally settle down- here was this guy, never pushy, not after sex, and who I could really live for. But look- I loved him, I loved him, I love him…"

Xiao Qiao threw her arms around her sister, wiping away Da Qiao's tears with a tissue.

"Is kay, is kay, you can cry," she said softly, wrapping her small, fragile arms around her older sister as if to protect her.

"And I still love him! But look, he was only using me as a coverup-" Da Qiao moaned before burying her face in her sister's arms.

When her sobs finally died down, Xiao Qiao spoke again.

"Jiejie, uh, you're not mad, are you?" she asked sheepishly.

Da Qiao sniffed and dabbed at her eyes. "Never trust men. They'll break your heart in the end and never know what they did. I'm not mad at you. I'm mostly mad at myself…"

"Well I kinda…"

Da Qiao looked at Xiao Qiao suspiciously. "What?"

"Well I sighed both of us up for a charity auction. It's benefitting charity."

"Xiao Qiao, you know I'm not in the mood for entertaining-"

"Jiejie, so you're saying you're not going to help starving children in Africa?" Xiao Qiao wheedled.

"Is that what the charity's for?" Da Qiao asked.

"Uh. I'm not sure but it's probably something like that. Either way, it's charity and you should help."

"But I'm really not up to-"

"Yes you are. It's just the two of us and the winner going to get facials! You don't have to stress out!"

"Xiao Qiao…"

"_Charity,_ sis, _charity!_"

There was a silence as Xiao Qiao smiled hopefully.

"Charity! Helping people!"

"For charity. Okay."

"YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

Xiao Qiao smiled to herself. Her older sister needed something to get out of her non-fat frozen yogurt-eating Titanic-watching slump.

And she had just the thing…


	5. Sun Ce and Zhou Yu

"Zhao Yun has a lot of bidders above the age of fifty," Sun Ce snorted.

"Don't laugh. There are a lot of rich people above the age of fifty." Zhou Yu sprinkled some cocoa powder on the foam of the macchiato and put the ceramic cups onto a tray. He lifted the delicate setting along with a plate of the raspberry cream cookies Ling Tong had dropped off earlier (that man seemed to enjoy diets and baking in equal amounts, much to the horror of _everyone else's_ daily caloric intake) and walked over to where Sun Ce was lounging on the loveseat.

"You make a killer coffee, Yu!" he exclaimed, grabbing a cup and accidentally sloshing some of the scalding liquid over his own hands. "Ouch, ow, ow!"

"Idiot." Zhou Yu smiled and dropped a napkin on his friend's arm before settling in next to him.

They leaned on each other for a while, resting on the soft plush upholstery and staring at the rolling landscape outside the window.

"Yu, so why aren't you doing this again?" Sun Ce asked.

"Doing what?" Zhou Yu replied, running his long fingers across Sun Ce's palm.

"The auction thing."

"Because I will be stuck with a shrieking, spoiled sixteen-year-old whose parents have money and leniency in equally excessive amounts," he replied. "No."

"Yu, it's just for fun!" Sun Ce exclaimed.

"Not my idea of fun…"

"Come on," Sun Ce wheedled.

"No."

"Come on…."

"No."

"Come on…!"

"No!"

"Awww, come on!"

"Fine! Pass me your Blackberry," Zhou Yu sighed.

Sun Ce complied, and Zhou Yu took it and delicately began to dance his fingers across the keyboard.

A while later, he handed it back with the screen showing Sun Ce's auction description.

"_Who's ready to rock? Dial up and get your cash ready for some fun! Let's go have a blast. You'll be rollin' out at the Boardwalk with me and Zhou Yu-_" Sun Ce looked up in speechless glee.

"And I corrected your grammatical errors…"

Sun Ce threw his arms around his boyfriend and planted a sloppy kiss on the nape of his neck. "This is _really_ going to be a blast!" he shouted happily.

"Also, somewhere, add that it's for charity, Sun Ce…"

"This is gonna be great!"

"Sun Ce, this is a _job_!" Zhou Yu exclaimed.

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I can't wait-"

"And remember that someone's paying good money for this," Zhou Yu scolded. "This isn't about you."

"But you're coming with me now!" Sun Ce burbled happily. "Where's the beer? I'll be right back!" He bounced off of the loveseat and galloped to the fridge

Zhou Yu sipped his coffee delicately, his eyes narrowing. The idea had just hit him, in fact, and it was a spontaneous act- something that only happened under the light of Sun Ce.

A darker side of his shadow fluttered… If anything, this sent a clear message to everyone. Sun Ce was _his._


	6. Lu Xun and Lu Meng

"Lu Xun, what are you doing?" Lu Meng asked, putting a gentle hand on the young boy's shoulder.

"Oh, I'm just editing stuff." Lu Xun looked up behind him, shifting under his mentor's touch.

"No, I mean for the auction. I heard you were auctioning something too?"

"Oh, that! I'm going to the museum," he said. "Any of the exhibits, any of the major ones."

"That sounds just like you," Lu Meng said, ruffling Lu Xun's hair fondly. "…But. Uh… Well… Lu Xun, there are bad men out there who…"

Half an hour later, Lu Xun nodded politely but without much understanding. "Thank you, but… So what are you talking about? What forest? What predators? Is this a metaphor?"

"Yes! Little Red Riding Hood is a metaphor for innocent little boys who don't know better and the wolf is a metaphor for- for-"

"For what, Master Lu?"

"I can't say it!" Lu Meng screamed. "I can't say it!"

"What?"

"I can't! Arg! Arg! Arg!" Lu Meng hollered.

"Master Lu, calm down!" Lu Xun exclaimed, slightly frightened.

"Don't worry! I'll make sure no one eats you!"

Lu Xun stared. "Uh. Well I'll be careful?" he offered, still not sure what was going on.

"Just make sure you do," Lu Meng sniffed.

The boy looked at him for a moment before nodding and going back to his laptop. When Lu Meng walked off to get more tissues, he quickly opened a new chat window and double-clicked Sun Ce's name.

_Hey, it's me. Did something happen with Lu Meng?_

A few seconds later, a flashing bar indicated their boss had replied

_no y? he mad?_

Lu Xun sighed. So what was Lu Meng talking about anyways? _I don't know. He asked me what I was doing and then he told me Little Red Riding Hood. And then he started talking about metaphors and now he's off wailing again…_

_yu didnt fire him, hey!_

_I know. But he's acting kind of strange…_

_dun worry bout it probably his time of month. neways cya Gan/Ling's house l8r k? _

_I'll see you there. Bye!_ Still just as confused as before, Lu Xun leaned back and scratched his head. "Master Lu?" he called, getting out of his chair.

"Yes?" Lu Meng sniffed from the kitchen.

"Remember Ling Tong's having a dinner party thing later!"

"I didn't forget!"

"Have you seen my tights anywhere? I want to wear them under my-"

Lu Meng started sobbing again.

* * *

Don't like this particular chapter much but dunno what else to do.


	7. Cao Cao and Xiahou Dun

"Oh my… It looks like Ma Chao left his hair dye in too long," Cao Cao commented, clicking away from the photos. "Oh my. It's pretty bad."

"What, Cousin?" Xiahou Dun asked, setting a cup of instant coffee down on his boss's desk.

"I doubt it'll affect the bidding. Ma Chao is Ma Chao after all," he chuckled and slid his fingers across his iPad. "Let's see- oh, my eldest son has changed his description…" He was silent for a few moments before chuckling. "This is most definitely Guo Nuwang's work."

"So your son's keeping a mistress on top of a girlfriend," Xiahou Dun said blandly. "I suppose he takes after his father…"

"Or his mother… She seems to add another girlfriend to the roster every week…"

"That's different. There is nothing wrong with having many friends. Although I do not see the appeal…" Xiahou Dun grumbled.

"Dun, I assure you, it's not quite friendship I'm talking about…"

Xiahou Dun stared blankly.

Cao Cao sighed. "You need to get out more. Besides, I rather like Guo Nuwang. She's his girlfriend, well, unofficially at least, and his manager and financial advisor and his political advising committee rolled into one. And to tell you the truth, I'd like him to have more than a trophy wife…"

Xiahou Dun grunted noncommittally. "But you introduced your son to Ms. Zhen."

"So I did, so I did. Anyways, how is my favorite fabulous couple… Oh, how adorable. They're playing polo together… And somehow that degenerated into a sackrace," Cao Cao chuckled, peering at the files marked Gan Ning and Ling Tong. "How cute. How cute."

"A sackrace?" Xiahou Dun muttered. "What are they, ten years old?"

"It takes a good heart to enjoy child's play. Besides, the bidding for their auction is exceptional… This has to be the most expensive pancake breakfast _ever._ Who could be paying so much for-" Cao Cao reread the description and quickly searched up the phrase 'Gan Ning tight tank top.' A few images came up.

Xiahou Dun curiously looked over his cousin's shoulder and started to stare as well. "Oh."

"Yes. Oh my."

"Oh."

"Well. That certainly explains why the bidding for the pancake breakfast is so high… Hmmm, strange, how is Lu Xun pulling in higher than the Qiaos? Actually, perhaps not that strange…" He opened a file of a snapshot of Da Qiao, revealing a wraith-like apparition. "The only ones who'd willingly step near her right now are the Ghostbusters… A shame for Xiao Qiao," he added, spying the lively, bright-eyed girl in the back of the photo. "Her sister is really pulling her bidding down."

"Hmph."

"Perhaps not so strange for Lu Xun… I looked up a few of the bidders. All undergraduate business majors with especially rich parents, who all happen to be looking for internships…"

"Is that suspicious?"

"No. It is exactly as I predicted." Cao Cao chuckled and closed his files. "Well look at this. Our Zhang He is really hitting up the charts… But only among the very young. The majority is from high school or college… Compare this to Zhao Yun where the far majority is over forty."

"Hmmmm."

"Xu Huang is auctioning off a chance to teach football to underprivileged inner-city children. I admire his compassion, but as I told him before, this limits him to only football players… But then again, is that not his main fanbase anyways? Ah, my dear little hero… He told me it's a chance to do more good while doing good. Do you know why I disagreed, Xiahou Dun?"

Xiahou Dun tilted his head and watched his cousin, waiting for him to continue.

"Because with an extra, oh, I don't know, hundred grand or so that he's lost by restricting his bidders to only very good players, he could have helped a lot of people. Besides, what's the difference? He's already going down every week to those kids… Oh, Sun Ce's bidding has suddenly-" Cao Cao's eyes widened. "Look at that. Look at that. Somehow he convinced his little ice princess to join in!" The media mogul/stock trader/rare earth mining CEO/God knows what else laughed aloud. "Is that not so sweet…"

"I wonder why he joined…"

Cao Cao thoughtfully rolled a breath mint between two fingers. "Xiahou Dun, have you noticed something about Zhou Yu?"

"He's a prissy snob."

"No, he's serious. Everything has to have a reason. Everything he does ends up work-related. It's like… It's like he doesn't think that he deserves to have fun."

"That certainly explains things. I can admire a work ethic like that, but I still do not like Zhou Yu much," Xiahou Dun said plainly.

"It's not a work ethic. It's a mental problem in my books. But have you noticed something about Sun Ce?"

"He's a loud-mouthed braggart."

"….Well yes, that too. But the thing about Sun Ce is that he makes people want to have fun." Cao Cao sipped the now-cold coffee. "Even Zhou Yu."

Xiahou Dun was silent for a moment. "And I suppose he needs that?"

"Both of them do."

"Zhou Yu has never struck me as the playful or charitable type. I wouldn't pay to go prancing along the beach with a walking sulk," Xiahou Dun replied.

"These women would. But don't you see? It's a competition now… Between fans of Sun Ce, fans of Zhou Yu… And fans of both. A three-way free for all."

"This drives their bidding up?"

"My bets are on them. Before, I predicted Ling Tong, Zhao Yun, and Sun Ce pulling in the most… Now with Zhou Yu on board their bidding is going to be driven mad. Xiahou Dun, it's not only the amount of fans. It's the resources and the competition."

"I see."

"But really… I retract my earlier statement. Anything can happen…"

"Anything?"

"Anything."


End file.
